So, I got a new psychiatrist and he made me change therapist to someone more local and available and now I have seen both of them. I LOVE IT! My new therapist is like what I had always imagined. She’s giving input, making suggestions, EXPLAINING things. I learned more between her and my new pdoc than I had learned from ANYONE I had talked to since being hospitalized.

She suggested several things for me to do and among  them was research Mood Stabilizers. MAN! If I didn’t know better I now would have been led to believe that several anti-psychotics are mood stabilizers. Come on. Just because a Bipolar patient takes a medication for their Bipolar, it doesn’t make that medication a mood stabilizer. I’ll keep researching for a good list. If I find one, I’ll post here, if I don’t… I’ll make one here.

I was irritated about not being able to stick with mood charts so I came up with my own solution. I try to use a Franklin-Covey organizer and it has this little bookmark thing which you always put to the current day. It is supposed to contain this thing called a Compass Card which is supposed to help you stay focused on goals. I’m no good at using the card, so instead I now have a Mood chart in it’s place. It is a SERRIOUSLY cut down versions, but hey, it does the job and it can serve as a r reminder for me to put additional detail in a proper mood chart. I’ll upload so if anyone wants it, they can have it. I even made cutting guides for it to fit nicely into the Classic sized bookmark thing.

Anyway, I tried not taking my Seroquel yesterday morning because I’ve been getting depressed. I was nice and chipper with a screaming migraine and I’ve been awake ever since. I took my Seroquel last night, but I did not sleep. So, I guess I still need all the junk I’m taking… bowel trouble, vomiting and headaches included.

YUCK!

After driving an hour in the driving rain to get to the nearest Apple Store, I arrived at the  store at 2:30 to find them shut with all the staff locked inside and loads of people lined up for their iPhones. I signaled to the staff to come to the glass doors to talk to me. After a few stupid looks, two of the “Geniuses” walked to the door. I told them I didn’t care about the iPhone and just wanted to buy a power supply for my iBook. The response, “we aren’t opening until 6:00″.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I’m sick of driving across town to get to a special shop to buy a special part for my BASIC, NOT SPECIAL Apple notebook!

SO, having said all that, here is the reason for this post. Just a few weeks ago a friend told me about pandora.com. This site is incredible. I just put in the artist I like and it goes off and finds songs that fit the same profile as the artist I listed. I’m being reminded of artists I had forgotten about and learning of new artists I have never hear and would have never heard if not for this site.

This is the best website I have seen in years. It’s actually useful!

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN???!!!!

• One day I’m in a marriage, madly in love with my husband, doing everything I can for him and our son.
• One day I’m taking a job so that we can afford for his daughter to move over from England.
• One day I’m thriving in my career
• One day I feel like we can deal with anything that happens…..

then some foolish words are spoken and I break

• He pushes care off to my family
• I come home from the mental hospital and his daughter tells me “Don’t do that again, you scared me”
• I can’t work
• I divorce my husband because he keeps showing that he doesn’t do the “Sickness and in Health” bit
• I’m alone

the blue light is on and only Mel knows the pain, panic and utter desperation.

Six months down the line the mania kicks back into high swing, worse than ever before. The Blue Light is blinding, the madness is impervious. Benzos, anti-psychotics, sedatives…. they do nothing…. not even help with sleep…  there is no sedating

Looking back at sunsets on the Eastside
We lost track of the time
Dreams aren’t what they used to be
Some things slide by so carelessly

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

And someone is calling my name
From the back of the restaurant
And someone is playing a game
In the house that I grew up in
And someone will drive her around
Down the same streets that I did
On the same streets that I did

Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it
Smile like you mean it

Oh no, oh no no no
Oh no, oh no no no

-The Killers

Why do I hold this strand with a deathgrip.
Part of me says to “let go… enough”.

She wants it to end.
She wants life to be fair, to be numb.
She wants to give in and let the mental demons win.
Let them rape her and strip her of her identity.
She wants the soul free of the dead flesh and broken mind.
She wants to be freed.

No more useless pills.
No more useless doctors.

She is tired of this filthy existence,  this world of hate and hypocrisy.

I want to live.
I want to experiment, to learn, to laugh and to be normal.
She won’t let me though.
She sits in the dark recesses and waits for her time to make the madness encompassing.
She thrives on misery.
She even gets her way when treatment is in place.
She doesn’t want me to live.
She lives for chaos.
She embodies misery.

The promise of a life at the mercy of medication and doctors is agonizing.
Watching my child suffer me is misery.

Being alone may be important, but there are days it seems too hard to go on. “In sickness and in health”, never again. It’s a lie. People are selfish.

I want to run away, I want to forget, I want to be left in a hole, struck dead by god, I want to stop crying and screaming, I want the headaches to stop, I want someone to love me for me, I don’t want excuses, I don’t want lies, I don’t want to be told it will be OK (that’s a lie).

Life will always be hard, there will always be good days or weeks and bad days or weeks. It can’t be helped, it has to be accepted, it has to be treated, people with tall tales of curing depression don’t know what BiPolar means. They don’t know the paranoia. They don’t know the obsessions. They don’t know the constant racing thoughts that never quiet.

I wish I had no one to care about, then I could do whatever I wanted to myself.

Yesterday is filled with pain and regret.
Yesterday only serves as a lesson.
Yesterday will fade away.
Yesterday means nothing.

Today I have friends who care.
Today I have blood.
Today my family loves me.
Today I have air.
Today I am free.
Today I am me.